Carpe Doodah

Carpe Doodah

All the persons, names, places and events depicted in

Jan's stories are fictional.

Any resemblance to actual events, persons or locations is purely coincidental.

Disclaimer: I'm innocent, I tell ya! Innocent! Oh yeah...well, this is an original piece of fiction which spoofs fan fiction and shows that I don't have better things to do with my time. Clear enough? Okay. Right. And there's some things discussed here that you probably wouldn't want to read aloud in class. And if you're under 18, I'm old enough to be your grandma, so don't give me any lip! Oops...I mean...move on.. you're too young to read this...go out to the playground where things like this are more openly discussed.

Dedication: To Latin scholars everywhere, "I thumb my nose at you!" And to Carrie, who urged me to post this despite my better judgment. I love you anyway.

© 2003

It was a day just like the day before. Boring, tedious, one to cause a person to lose interest in life. Xandra sat at her desk contemplating either suicide or a chocolate binge in order to soothe her troubled soul.

She decided on neither one and picked a piece of gum out of her desk drawer. "Carpe Dentyne" seize the gum she said to herself. Finally deciding to make good on her promise to pick her brother and his girlfriend up after work, she left her office and headed downtown. Her long black hair flew behind her in the wind. "Damn! Forgot to use the extra pins!" Xandra watched in horror as her long black hair smacked a traffic cop on the head. The wig came to rest on his badly needed bald spot after knocking his hat off. She floored it. Her short black hair whipped around her face, but generally stayed attached to her scalp.

At Carpet, Diem, and Dente, the law firm where her younger brother clerked, Lysolus waited beside his girlfriend, Gabrina, the teen-aged file clerk. Okay, so she was in her late teens; because if this story went any further with her being under age, there'd be a whole slew of problems for Xandra to deal with. So she's 19. Got it? 19!

The law firm, where her brother worked in the mail department, specialized in lawsuits against dentists and rug manufacturers. Lysolus, named after his mother's favorite room deodorizer, was waiting outside with a possessive arm around his girlfriend. Gabrina seemed to be preoccupied with her thoughts. She was hungry. She was always hungry. She was legendary in all kinds of fan fiction for her ability to consume large portions of food, which she did under a variety of assumed names. Her favorite one was Gabrielle. It was a real challenge to pull that one off; but then I digress.

Xandra, who had never met her brother's girlfriend before, and up to now was a lonely, repressed, and very butch corporate type who had fabulous wealth, pulled up to the building and motioned for her brother to get into the car.

Lysolus tugged on Gabrina's arm and started down the steps. When Gabrina got back up to her feet, she brushed herself off, called Lysolus a 'stupid jerk', and got into the convertible. Lysolus couldn't figure out what she was so pissed off about. He was your typical clueless, hormonal young man whose motivating force was his libido. Basically, his motto was "carpe derriere" which had something to do with getting his hands on a certain part of the anatomy. Unfortunately, due to his insensitivity towards his girlfriend, the only derriere he "carpe'd" was usually his own.

As the blonde (Of course she was blonde! And she had green eyes. It was mandatory that young women who ate unusually large portions of food and who still maintained fabulous abs were blonde with green eyes. By the way...check out the monitor where she worked...YUP! White Out!!) got into the backseat of the car, she looked into the rear view mirror to check out her hair. She was wondering if it had suddenly gotten shorter. She'd heard that blonde, green-eyed women with fabulous abs and large appetites were now required to wear a short pixie-ish hairstyle. Relieved to find out that her hair length was the same as it had been when she left for work that morning, she found her eyes captured by (okay, you can say it with me) "piercing blue eyes." (There...feel better?)

What happened next? Oh, the usual: Xandra fell passionately in love with Gabrina whose family opposed them until they found out that Xandra was filthy stinking rich and then got on her good side. Lysolus was lovesick and deeply hurt by the whole thing until he sat drinking at his favorite watering hole. The sign out front said: "CARP DIEM" Special of the day: Bottom Feeders!" That's where he met the waitress of his dreams and found out that the restaurant sign was right.

Gabrina and Xandra lived luxuriously ever after in Xandra's ostentatious, yet unpretentious, home. That is, until Gabrina discovered that she had some unusual powers and accidentally made her lover go *poof*. Then she headed for Miami and changed her name. I hear she's running some huge international corporation about now. And her computer screen is still covered in White Out!

The end.
Carpe carpe (having seizures)